Thursday, September 29, 2011

Milk Or Eggs

A few weeks ago I had to run out to the store to pick up some milk. My husband had to stop at a friends house to pick something up so we agreed we would stop on the way home.

Earlier that day, some of our friends asked if we could make them some banana bread...Odd question to ask someone I know, but for those of you who have not experienced my banana bread simply don't understand the heavenly goodness they want to eat.

The problem was...I didn't have any eggs...

Now, eggs are not expensive, but when you are planting a church and raising support, you sometimes have to pick and choose what you are going to buy at the store.

And because there were only $3.00 in my wallet at the time, I had to make a decision: milk, or eggs.

But while we were at that friends house, they asked again for banana bread.

I love to bake and cook. Especially for other people. It has been hard to not be able to have all the ingredients that I use to have in the house accessible to me pre-church plant.

I didn't want to tell them that I was going to the store on my way home but had to choose between milk or eggs, so I just told them I didn't have eggs.

One of them went upstairs and brought down a dozen eggs.

It is moments like that, where God uses little things to bring me peace. With not having our support raised, each month is a bit of an unknown financially. But that night, God provided 12 beautiful eggs for me to use. So when I walked into the store, I knew that I didn't have to choose, because God chose for me. It's reminders like that when I realize all I have to do is trust and have a faith that is not lukewarm; and he will provide just what I need.

Luke 12:24
"Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!"

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Necessary Endings

Sometimes I feel like a newborn baby..so helpless, just waiting for someone to scoop me up, swaddle me, and hum softly to me.

There are days where I want to feel that safe and secure; embraced by someone, anyone who cares and loves me.

When I feel that way, I think of babies. I think of how carefully they are held, cherished, and loved.

They are so new, untarnished, and full of hope.

Babies don't know what hopelessness feels like because their needs are constantly met. When they cry for something, the parent often comes and meets their needs.

There are days where I feel my needs aren't always met. There are days where I am filled with hopelessness, and I just want to be swaddled, and loved.

There are days where I am hostile and unkind, but in those moments I long for love. I long for hope. I want someone to scoop me up and tell me it's all going to work out.

My life right now is chaotic, unknown, and this season my husband and I are in is very new, scary, and hard. Church planting is hard, and raising support is hard. It's so easy for me to worry about not being able to pay the bills. It amazes me how much stress finances can cause. There are days where I am not loving toward my husband, and it is not because of something he did or didn't do, it all goes back to wondering how we are going to make it, and when God is going to open a door to provide and take the weight off of my chest that I have felt for months.

The longer it takes to raise support, the more I question myself. Is our support not raised because I'm not working hard enough? Is it because my heart gets angry and upset when things are uncertain? Am I a bad wife? Am I a good leader? Am I not capable of raising support? Why is this taking so long? Is God teaching me patience? Is he testing me to see how much stress I can bear?

I have to remember to pause, take a deep breath, and move forward. My fear sometimes gets me stuck. It keeps me from moving forward and running toward God.

How do you move forward? How do you push on when you are in a tough season? Do you have people to encourage you, and that you can lean on? Do you have hope? Are you afraid to end something in order to have a new beginning?